Alt Sunday School: How David Married Michal, or How to be an Overachiever

Alt Sunday School

I’m opening a new category of post here. Alt Sunday School (ASS). Wherein I write an expose on one of the lesser publicized bible stories.

This is one of my favorite Sunday School stories.

Taught me to be an overachiever.

I Samuel 18:25-27

Then Saul said, “Thus shall you say to David, ‘The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king’s enemies.’” Now Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son-in-law. Before the time had expired, David arose and went, along with his men, and killed two hundred of the Philistines. And David brought their foreskins, which were given in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Michal for a wife.

The Word of the Lord. (English Standard Version 2016)

Let’s break this down. David, before he was ruler of God’s chosen, wanted to marry King Saul’s daughter, Michal. King Saul was current ruler of God’s chosen. King Saul is not too keen on this marriage but also seems hesitant to just outright say no. Perhaps to not get on the bad side of his daughter. I mean, you’re king, right? As Mel Brooks says, “Sometimes it’s good to be king.” This is not one of those times. Additionally, he doesn’t even have the balls to tell this to David himself. He’s having someone else tell David. Loser.

Instead, King Saul has David told that the price to marry his daughter will be the foreskins of 100 Philistines – God’s Chosen People’s arch enemy at the time. Go cut off the junk of my enemy. 100 of them. Bring them to me. Then you can marry my daughter. But there is an ulterior motive here. He assumes that no one will be able to march into a Philistine city, cut off the junk of 100 of their men and leave.

David not only pulls this off (see what I did there?) but being the overachiever that he is, doubles the pile. He secures 200 foreskins, brings them back and presents them to King Saul, who then lets him marry Michal. And how did he present these to the King? A literal bag of dicks?

The real question is, how did Saul *know* they were Philistine, and not say, Sodomites? No, not that sodomite, you sicko. Actual. From the biblical city of Sodom.