Prison Rules?
Is this Prison Rules, as in, after finishing up a game of Spin-The-Bottle, the loser gets the bottle shoved up his ass while the stuffer yells, “PRISON RULES, BIATCH?” Or does this imply that living in prison is the absolute best, as in, it rules? After spending an evening in a jail cell at the early age of 4, I decided prison was not the life for me.
Prison is what kept me from killing a lot of people. But now? Prison doesn’t sound so bad, does it? Three square meals a day. No bills. No responsibilities. No taxes. Free healthcare. Free education. Libraries. Mail call. Conjugal visitation. Finding Jesus if it so inclines you.
From an early age we are groomed to have an aversion to the prison system. My father would threaten to use his contacts to get me in jail. Who was his contact? His dad. My paternal grandfather. He happened to be the Sheriff of Montcalm County, Michigan. I got to spend what seemed like an evening in the slammer thanks to that relationship, but I’m sure it was mere moments instead. I was thrown in the cell. Door slammed shut. The metallic sound of locks engaging. A darkness you could feel not dissimilar to a damp, heavy fog. The only light coming from a 5 by 5 inch security window in the door. I screamed. I ain’t afraid to admit it. I was assured that this would be my permanent view if I didn’t change my evil ways.
Turns out I would not, in fact, change my evil ways. Nor would that become my permanent view. Although as I was growing up I heard how “easy” it was in prison. These guys get a free education. Art classes. Workshops. On top of this, prisoners experience none of the civilized world’s responsibilities. No fear of losing your employment. Wondering where your next meal would come from. Not having the money to meet your next mortgage, car note, or insurance premium. Shit. Almost sounds like life in the Army before being complicated with marriage and moving out of the barracks. That time when you ran out of money one day after payday but it didn’t matter. You still had a bed to sleep in, your next meal at the chow hall, and “free” healthcare!
Prison almost sounds welcoming. Except for becoming someone’s bitch. Or being shanked. So, yeah. Maybe I’ll still avoid prison. For now.