Walt's Corner

The Coast Guard released their Report of Investigation on the disaster of OceanGate’s Titan submersible. Their conclusion? “This marine casualty and the loss of five lives was preventable.”

Slap my ass and call me stupid, but I do believe I came to that conclusion myself. And without spending any money or time. Do stupid things win stupid prizes. Fuck around, find out. Winner winner, ocean’s dinner.

If you haven’t watched Titan: The OceanGate Submersible Disaster on Netflix yet, I suggest you do so. You’re welcome.

I saw this meme on facebook. Reminded me of a childhood memory.

Circa 1980 my paternal grandparents, known to us as Grandpa and Grandma Basil, took us out to eat at this restaurant called Tin Pan Alley, in Bradenton, Florida. I was a very finicky eater as a child. So when he ordered the buffet for all of us, I ended up with pretty much just a salad on my plate.

When we had all settled own at our table and started to eat, Grandpa noticed my plate. I could see the disappointment in his face. He told me, “I could have bought a head of lettuce for twenty nice cents. Go get some meat.” I complied.

Jeff Strand, Bram Stoker and Splatterpunk award winning author, has released his most depraved novel yet – YOUR BODY WILL NEVER BE FOUND.  Said to have been written in the vein of PRESSURE, MY PRETTIES, and BRING HER BACK, this novel certainly begins there. But that is where the similarities end. The story reaches that previously set line pretty quick, then punts it into next week.

Some will no doubt say Jeff has crossed the line and that is fine. This story is not for everyone. In fact the first page plainly tells you “WARNING This is an unpleasant book.” Filled with Jeff’s usual humor and more than his usual gruesomeness, we can all laugh while sucking our thumbs, and rock back and forth in the fetal position while chanting the words of Willa, “We ain’t right.”

I’m a watch guy. You’ll never catch an Apple Watch on me. Or Samsung. I take pride in mechanical/automatic watches. And a few quartz models as well. Not that there’s anything wrong with Apple or Samsung watches. You do you, baby!

Seiko Five are some of the best bang for you buck watches you can get. That is Seiko’s entry level watches brand. Nothing wrong with them. I have several Seiko Fives and all of them cost me less than $500 each.

So when I read this article claiming that Walmart was having a sale on a Seiko Five watch that normally retails for over $1000? My bullshit alarms were clamoring like a red alert on the bridge of the USS Defiant.

The Seiko Five SNK601, features the 7S26 entry level movement. Search google. You’ll find many stores selling them between $100-150.

Whoever wrote this article on The Street is high as fuck. Is this a great watch? Hell yeah it is. Has anyone ever paid $1000 for it? Na. Slow news day.

I’m all about horror. I would say that 99% of all the books in my library are horror. But I have a confession to make. I don’t care for slasher flicks. You know, all the killing spree horror movies of the 80s that maintain a cult following to this day. Freddy. Jason. I have never watched a single one.

This is probably why Strand’s TWENTIETH ANNIVERSARY SCREENING didn’t stand out to me at the time of first publication in 2022 ( I think?). I remember reading about it and how it was a nod to those old movies. That is the only excuse I can come up with to answer why I never read it. I did myself wrong. Not to mention this is the story that earned him the coveted Bram Stoker Award.

Written in the format of a lengthy website article, it weaves a story about a low-budget slasher flick that ended its short-lived theater run with someone who watched it over and over again and decided to recreate as many of the murders as possible during its last showing by killing audience members in the same manner as the murders on screen – and at the same time. Our antagonist in the movie is a roofer, who snaps and kills victims with the tools (mostly) available to someone in the roofing trade.

Obviously, this ends the run of the movie right there. Flash forward 20 years later and the same theater is showing the movie again during its twentieth anniversary. All precautions are taken to mitigate any violence, but that would make for a boring story wouldn’t it? You know someone (some two, or some more?), somehow, is going to try it again.

As a shorter story, it quickly runs through to the ending where a huge twist will turn you on a dime, twice, with plenty of laughs along the way.

Money Quote

Speaking about the original killer, when buying the implementations to carry out his sadistic plan, “What is not up for debate is that he went to a hardware store and purchased a number of tools that led the cashier to believe he was about to do some roof repair.”

Disclaimer: no popcorn was wasted during the creation of the featured image.