Walt's Corner

This is the second installment of four articles for what I refer to as the 4 Bs for a great cup of coffee. The first B is fresh Beans. Here, I’ll cover what I refer to as the Burn – or roasting the coffee.

Roasting the coffee beans is what transforms them from the green beans to the chocolate colored beans we see in the stores. How long they roast determines the level of the roast as defined in laymen terms we see on most coffee containers in grocery stores – light, medium, or dark.

Roasters have a different language to describe how long we roast them for. In order of progression from light to dark we have City -(minus), City, City + (plus), Full City, Vienna, and Full French Roast. Any roast from Vienna to Full French is just burned coffee. This is where the beans have this oily sheen all over them. Congratulations, you’ve just cooked all the origin flavor out of them and have turned that bean into a bean of charcoal.

There are many ways to roast your beans. Cowboys roasted them in an iron skillet over a flame. Probably the most common way in the Wild West and there are still those today who roast that way.

Some use air popcorn poppers that can roast up to a quarter pound at a time. There are several other roasting machines built on this same principle of using a hot air-bed to roast your beans. My first roaster was called iRoast that was based on this. If memory serves, I could roast a half pound of beans at a time. The closest roaster I see sold today that resembles my iRoast is the Fresh Roast SR800. I can easily go through over a pound a week so I quickly outgrew this.

The roaster I’ve used for the last 15 years is a Behmor drum allowing me to roast up to a pound at a time (and more). With this I’ll roast a pound or two a week.

Enough about the roasting machines though. We’re here to talk about the actual roast. Not what we use to roast. It’s like cooking a burger. You can use a skillet on a stove, a Weber grill, or a large pit smoker mounted on a double axle trailer. That burger will cook and burn on any of those.

That’s where Starbucks fucks up on the roast. This is their biggest pit-fall. They burn their beans. Good, fresh roasted coffee beans should not have that oily sheen on them. At all. If they do, you’ve cooked the ever living shit out of them. You’ve cooked out all the origin flavor and what you have left is the flavor of ash and charcoal – which is the signature flavor of Starbucks. If that’s what you like your coffee to taste like then Starbucks is your go-to bean.

This is where all big-brand coffee’s go wrong. And here is the kicker – they do it on purpose! Why? Because consumers want consistency. That’s why we buy the brands we buy – we like it for whatever reason and want a repeat experience. Coffee is in no way consistent. Coffee is like wine. Every season is different due to climate and environmental conditions. So how can you get the consistency your customers crave? Buy your beans in bulk from the same origin (pick a spot – Honduras, Nicaragua, Mexico, etc.) and burn the fuck out of them. Every time. They will taste the same. And it works! Starbucks obviously has its following. People like that flavor and there is nothing wrong with that.

When a customer goes into mom and pops cafe with some fresh coffee, they are going to be shocked at how it tastes. It won’t taste like the coffee they’ve been drinking their entire lives. Some are going to love that flavor, others may not or may not care. But those that love it? They won’t be going back to Starbucks anymore. And they will have paid less. Win win.

This is the first of four articles for what I refer to as the 4 Bs for a great cup of coffee. My first B is fresh Beans. We often refer to coffee as beans although they are more accurately described as the pits of coffee cherries. I’ll go ahead and give in and still refer to them as beans. You’ve got to have fresh beans. More so after roasting than before.

Beans can last a very long time after harvesting and processing. I’ve roasted green beans years after I bought them with no tell-tale taste in the cup. We refer to them as green coffee beans because, well, they’re green. Not the chocolate colored coffee beans you see in most grocery stores or in the bean hoppers at your local Starbucks or other mom and pop cafes; or even at McDonalds. Hey – don’t knock McDonald’s McCafe coffee. For an over-the-counter tub of pre-ground coffee, I hold it in high regards. But to say it’s gourmet or fresh coffee would not be accurate.

To properly enjoy a “fresh” cup of joe, those beans need to be within 3 months of the day they were roasted. That’s my opinion. Some would say sooner, but for me up to 3 months and in an air tight container and you can still taste the wonderful properties of fresh coffee. I can’t recall one time that my coffee ever made it past 3 weeks of being roasted. That just doesn’t happen in my house.

And this is where most coffees fail the fresh test. You’re lucky to find any pre-ground store bought coffee is within 6 months of being roasted. Most are going to be within a year. Pre-ground coffee is not even degassing anymore. Once you grind coffee beans there is no more fresh. You better brew that shit immediately.

What’s degassing you ask? After roasting coffee you still don’t want to use it yet. It’s too fresh. Coffee that is that fresh stinks. They smell more like burnt popcorn. Coffee beans need to rest for a few days after being roasted. After an overnight rest they begin to smell like the traditional coffee beans we’ve come to enjoy the aroma of. They release (mostly) CO2. That’s why you find check valves on coffee bags or tubs. They let the gas escape without letting air into the bag. Letting air in would cause the coffee to become stale. More about roasting in another article – that’s what I refer to as the Burn.

Starbucks beans are going to be more than 3 months after roasting by the time you see them. Closer to 5-6 months would be my guess if they are trying to be respectable. Before I was roasting my own beans the freshest I could find was within 5 months from the roasting date. You need to find someone that sources their beans from a local roaster to get something that fresh. Starbucks won’t tell you how long ago their beans were roasted. Most rumors/sources I’ve found through google put it between 7-8 months. Why? They have to buy a beans in bulk and roast them in bulk. Not ideal.

At one point I was offered the opportunity to be the coffee supplier for a local Mom and Pop store that offered higher end cooking equipment along with fresh coffee and tea leaves. Her current source was located in Albuquerque, NM, and within 4 months of roasting. I politely declined. But I did provider her with enough of a personal supply that ensured I received a healthy discount on purchases from her store.

Cafes that roast their own beans are going to be your best bet for the best cup of coffee you can get and their prices are going to be lower than Starbucks. They won’t have a board of directors to feed. Or you could do like me and roast your own. Guaranteed freshness. I’ve bought my beans exclusively from Sweet Maria’s since 2006. That’s another story I’ll save for a later date – what started my obsession with roasting my own coffee.

They’ve forgotten the face of their father. They’re too big for their britches. You can’t get to be that big without cutting corners when you are mass producing a product that can be easily reproducible while trying to maintain a profit margin big enough to keep your employees and keep that board of directors fat, rich, and happy. They’ve brought in a new CEO who is going to try to right their wayward ship.

Bottom line – they don’t adhere to my 4 Bs of Coffee. What Starbucks did accomplish, however, was to turn the public on to buying single servings of coffee that were vastly superior to the Maxwell House, Folgers, and Farmer Brothers coffee that brewed through the average Americans’ Mr. Coffees every morning. By popping up on nearly every corner, everyone had easy access to a cup of coffee, whether that was in the form of a Latte, espresso, or pour-over. That made people in the know of what a good cup of coffee should taste like, think to themselves, I can do better. And they did.

I know what you’re thinking. “The 4 Bs of coffee? I’ve never heard of them!” That’s because I just made that shit up, but they still hold true.

So what are my 4 Bs of coffee? Beans, Burn, Burr, and Brew. Starbucks has a handle on Burrs only, while some may argue they also got a handle on the Brew as well. I fall into that camp with a disclaimer. I’d say they have a partial handle on the Brew in some areas while others they do not. The coffee snob in me says they don’t while the more level-headed logical part of my brains gives them credit. More on that in a future article.

Over the next 4 articles in my Coffee category here on my Corner, I’ll dive into each of those Bs and we’ll see where Starbucks is fucking up.

It goes by many names. When I opened the box I saw variations printed right inside. Tushy Bidet aka Tuchus Spritzer aka Perriere for Your Derrière aka Butthole Carwash aka Your Rootin’ Tootin’ Toilet Pal aka Squeaky Cheeky Cleaning Machine aka Hole-y Water aka Bun Gun aka Exturdinator aka Hiney Hydrant aka Poop Chute Riot aka Moon Magic aka Ass-perol Spritz aka Booty Blesser aka Taint Tidier aka Badonkadonk Slam Dunk aka Fountain of Pooradise aka Bumhole Super Soaker aka Good Keister Mister.

Or you could just call it a bidet. Never thought I’d be getting one. But the older I get, the more toilet paper I have to use, and the harder I have to wipe, the more I have to wipe. What am I? A human fucking brown crayon? No matter how many times I rub some TP across my bum, something comes off. Enough of that shit. Literally.

I bought the Tushy Fresh Bidet off amazon and it was delivered during the wee hours of the night. Amazon be delivering at all hours now. They got me checking my porch when I get up at 0400 hours just in case!

Install was almost a breeze. Would’ve been a breeze if not for that pesky old water line running from the wall to the tank of the toilet. It was old. Once I took it off and started bending it a bit, it decided it wasn’t about to stand up to the pressure anymore. A quick trip to Lowes, $5 less in my Lowe’s Bucks account, and I was back in business. If not for that part the install would have taken 10 Minutes.

My morning business has been much smoother for the last couple days. This morning was the real test – the morning after Taco Tuesday. I’m here to tell you that Taco Tuesday was no competition for the Hiney Hydrant. It took care of business. I’ll be going through much less toilet paper from here on out. Who knows. I might even go all Euro and get a monogrammed bum towel. Then if I have guests over (been a couple years since that happened) I can warn them not to use the WB (Wet Bum?) towel.

The knob has 10 settings but it’s a smooth transition from one to the next, no real clicks. 5 seems to be a good pressure for me. Anything more and I’d fear some aqua penetration.

Need to see what I can come up with for the RV…

TLDR: Been a bunch of whining about newspapers not endorsing candidates. I rate endorsements like my morning defecation – they mean just as much to me.

Full story.

There’s been a bunch of whining about the fact that the Washington Post, LA Times, and now USA Today decided not to endorse a particular presidential candidate this year.

I rate endorsements like I rate my morning shit – on a scale of 1 to 5 then I forget about it. It has no bearing nor do I think about it for the rest of my day.

Endorsements don’t sway me one way or another and I don’t think they should be endorsing one candidate or the other. Sure, the reasons they are doing it now seem to be a little shady than just, “Oh we’re going back to our roots and not endorsing anyone anymore.” Mmm-hmmm. Right. Let’s see how long that lasts.

I mean, if these news agencies were as “neutral” as they would have us believe, then we could expect their readership to be roughly split down the middle of our two-party system. By endorsing one they would be alienating half their readers. Not a good financial move.

Same goes for celebrity endorsements. I give less than my morning shit as to who my favorite actor, rapper, or musician endorses for president. Their job is to entertain me. They are today’s equivalent of the Middle Ages’ Fool. The Court Jester. The Joker. A Clown.

The fact that any candidate tries to get Fool A to endorse them so that Fool A can announce it to their 3 million fool fan base, thereby getting said fan base to vote in the same manner just goes to show how weak minded little bitches these sheeple are. It works, apparently. Or maybe the inner narcissist in us wants our favorite celebrities to come to the same conclusions that we have.